Lost/Found Nation
I’m
supposed to be the reigning expert on the effects of military brat childhood,
but it took a trip to
“It’s right up there with
childbirth,” one woman told me, her eyes glistening with tears. I thought, Holy Smokes! Childbirth?? That could go either way!, until she
added, “Right up there with weddings, with the best, most dramatic life experiences. I’ve been crying nonstop.”
I’d better back up.
I’ve
written many times that I believe the key issue of military brat childhood is loss.
We
move so much that ties are frequently broken or never even given a chance to
develop. We reach adulthood carrying a
significant deficit in our human relationships column. This has many consequences, including a huge
gap between our superficial socializing skills, which are formidable, and the
existence of real, well-developed, time-tested relationships with friends and
mentors. On top of that, in young
adulthood, even as we attempt to settle ourselves long enough to form such
relationships, many of us are saddled with a terrible handicap which may not be
apparent, even to us: an unconscious
expectation that every relationship we form will end in loss. When loss happens on the frequency
experienced by military brats, we become lost to others, and even to
ourselves.
It’s
a pretty bleak and pitiful picture, isn’t it?
Until you realize that the story doesn’t need to end there. We can do a great deal in our adult lives to
counter those ingrained expectations from our transient childhoods, and fill
the relationship gap. It starts with
bringing our patterns of behavior to the conscious level, so that we can
address them and change them if need be.
Readers already know that’s why I wrote my book, which goes into many of
these. But equally important is
connecting with others in a meaningful, gratifying way, over time. The best medicine for the
relationship-starved military brat is connection with other brats involving the
conscious sharing of stories and memories.
I’ve recommended this to brats thousands of times. But you know how there’s a
difference between Cliff Notes and Don Quixote? Between the
The
brats I met in
Then
the Internet changed everything.
Around
1995, when the Internet really came into its own, these
The
factors that made these brats close, and that brought them together again, are
certainly not unique to the
If
you attended such a school, and have not yet connected with your alumni group,
what are you waiting for? It’s like
failing to claim an inheritance that you know is yours. Do an Internet search under the school
name. Or go to the American Overseas
Schools Historical Society, at http://aoshs.wichita.edu/LinksOverseasSchools.html,
to search their listings.
Lost. Found.
I've had the luck since I came on the net , to reconnect with classmates over the past decade.
In some cases it was great and in others , to learn of some people's fates has been very sad .
The hardest moments have come for me in the era of the drawdown to see my graduating high school close, all the px & bx's and housing areas returned or abandoned.
The price of peace I suppose, but still very hard to witness.
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While I was unable to attend the Baltimore reunion, I have been to many reunions with this group starting in 1996 in Seattle. I met there my high school sweetheart from Germany and have subsequently moved out to California to be with him. We plan to marry this December in St. Croix. Talk about reconnections!!!! Glad you had a good time with the crazy Frankfurters from my era. They are very special people.
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I have to start with "Found," not just because it’s our way (and how we tried to find the positive spin—-Karen Hughes’s career began early!). My experience has been profoundly moving, and leading to the life-altering perspective others have mentioned with rediscovered friends. Thanks to the dedication of the wonderful alumni of Antilles High School in Fort Buchanan, Puerto Rico, hundreds scattered across the globe and many on the island have been making connections through the internet and several reunions since ’98. Thanks to an alumna at the ’98 reunion, I discovered Mary’s book, another life-altering "find."
Loss… Trust Mary to come up with the big one for our military childhoods! Not that loss isn’t the key issue for each one of us on earth; I found I couldn’t write about our losses so close to the reminders of 9/11’s and its tragic aftermath last week. I wonder how many others of us have looked into the mirror that is the face of a child with a parent in Afghanistan or Iraq.
What is different for us brats (which probably could be verified statistically beyond my family) is that our loss usually begins in infancy and early childhood, and that it is repeated on a scale and frequency before we leave high school greater than most civilians experience in a lifetime. By high school graduation, many of us have already mastered or masked our losses unconsciously enough (if superficially) to convince all the world that "The art of losing isn’t hard…" By my eighteenth birthday in the summer of ’69 with my father in Vietnam a second time, I could already have counted from the Elizabeth Bishop poem’s list of losses: two "continents"--twice, "two cities, lovely ones" and my first island, "three loved houses" and "my mother’s watch," not to mention the companionship of every friend and adult I had known outside my immediate small family. The specific details from my life may be unique, but not the reality of so many that is evident in Kris Kristofferson's eyes in Musil's film on "Brats..." How interesting to "find" that it was one of our most gifted military brats who long ago connected love, loss and freedom to "nothin' left to lose."
Mary Ann Crowe 9/19/06
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please tell me what you think of this website. I find it to be absolutely unbelievable as I lived in Chateauroux as a brat 62'-65' and never expected someone to do this very noble undertaking.
http://www.chateaurouxamericanhighschool.com/
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I can't believe I am nearly 40 years old and am just now realizing how deeply my bratness has affected my life. It has only been two weeks since I found out about my lost tribe and it has been eye-opening!!! I've just received your book and started reading your blogs - I am so grateful you have written this! It reflects my feelings so closely, it's almost scary!! I look forward to finding my true self!!
Thank you!
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Twenty-six years ago we moved here. My father asked that we visit a family we knew in England. I only knew the kids from when we first arrived in England and we lived in a hotel for six weeks before we moved into a house. We played together and my Mom helped their Mom as they had eight children.
I was so excited to meet them. Finally my children who were 4, 6 and 8 by the time I got there were going to meet someone who knew me as a child. Since they never knew my Mom, and Dads are not as keen on memories, they had never met someone like this.
Here, they didn't even know me very well. But any little tidbit they said was a monumental piece to me. I could have cried I felt so happy. Mrs. McKee talked about my Mom and Dad. My children could hear from someone else about them.
I realized then that I felt I had a forgotten childhood. It felt very lonely.
The saddest event for me was our wedding. Since we are both brats and I had only lived in the area for a year we had very little guests. While it was happy to have our immediate family--the one we traveled the world over with--I felt a loss when I looked at the photos of our wedding and how scarce the people were. A few friends I went to nursing school with and a few from the hospital I worked at. None knew me REALLY well.
Last year, a friend of my daughters was with her fiance. My husband, being the Brat he is, went up to him and introduced himself. The young man did likewise and Paul recognized the last name. He called me over and asked if I recognized it. Yes! We went to school with a kid.
"That's my Dad." Alex said.
By now I was reeling-my mind was so in a whirl.
"You don't understand." I said. "We went to school in Okinawa!"
"Yeah, that's my Dad."
By now our daughters were in tears. They knew how much we wanted to meet someone, anyone from our past. My first thought--and I am almost embarrassed to say this was: "Now I can die happy!" That is how much it meant to me.
His parents lived in Spokane but were coming east for their wedding. We were invited. How excited we were to see Jeff after all these years--and to meet his family. And it was just wonderful and we have kept in touch and hope to see each other again.
Oddly Jeff had one photo he could find he had taken and it was of me at the bus stop. He lived across the street from me. Paul and he had typing together and had lots of fun reminiscing about that.
So, I can only imagine what meeting a group could be like. I read once that reunions really didn't even matter if it was the same high school or the same year--just being together.
Now so much more is there and I feel happy about it.
Candyce
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Indeed the internet has changed much,including the prospects of reconnecting with people from our past. School alumni sites are one way to connect. We former residents of Ft Slocum have formed the "Fort Slocum Alumni & Friends," alumni in this case including GI's as well as brats. But a number of brats have reconnected simnply through the fact that we have a web presence. (www.home.earthlink.net/~michaelacavanaugh) I wonder however if there are similar "alumni associations" for other posts or bases?
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Your book really helped. I probably need to purchase several more copies. I have recommended it to many people who are brats. I am so happy to have found your blog! All the best,
Kathryn
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